Welcome to the world of me

To begin, I'd like to clarify that the phrase "sucking the marrow" is a reference to the movie Dead Poets Society in which John Keating (Robin Williams) evokes the phrase "To suck the marrow out of life" at the beginning of every Dead Poets meeting.  So my aim right now would be reflected in that phrase, as I am seeking to suck the marrow out of life.  I am finishing out my second and last semester at Columbia International University with little concern for my grades and even less for my reputation here.  I don't mean to sound pessimistic or seem like I am trying to give myself a bad name here or anything, but there is somewhat of an attitude (sprouted from the fat, poison covered lips of a certain individual) that I am leaving CIU for reasons untrue.  So the result is that people here are assuming wrong motives for my leaving, and holding those against me, when in reality, they couldn't be further from the truth.  But on the other hand they are saying that I am leaving because I don't like the people here and I am distancing myself from them and acting like I am above them... which was not true, but now that people are saying that about me...I guess it is in a way becoming true, not the part about putting myself above them, but about not liking certain people and distancing myself.  I recently wrote a song called Columbia.  The chorus goes like this: "If these streets could answer, if these cars could talk, I might find some comfort in being alone.  But I hate this town that I keep walking around, I wish I could find somewhere else to go."  It basically means that I have become somewhat of a wanderer around Columbia.  I spend hours (or spent, not really anymore) alone downtown... walking around by myself and hoping to be rescued by something.  It was a really terrible couple of weeks, but I am glad to be coming out of it.  Anyways, I am transferring soon, and I am really excited about it.  Honestly, I just want to get my major, get my masters and then start my career and my family.  I hope that the next girl I meet is the last girl I meet and I pray that these stupid high school relational demons will stop presenting themselves to me.  I am sitting across the room from a guy, Adam, who is swooning a newly singled girl with his less than mediocre guitar playing and even less impressive vocals.  The funny thing is not just that he is really bad, but he is also taken.  I feel really sorry for his girlfriend...  Wow, I feel like this blog is one complaint after another.  It's not a good way to start my online outpouring.  Perhaps I will take this blog to a sunnier section of my life.  I go through seasons, good and bad, like anyone... and I try and find things in those times to allow God to use to enhance my joy.  Sometimes it is music, a girlfriend, a good friend... but lately I have been finding joy in my niece Caroline.  I dream about her a lot.  I mostly dream of when she is older and the type of relationship we will have.  Through my position over Caroline I have learned one very important lesson.  If I ever want to be an effective and positive influence and mentor to her, I don't need to change anything about my past, but I have a lot of work to do for my future.  I would not say that I am anywhere close to the place I once was, wallowing in depression, drug abuse and anger, but I am still not at a place and not the kind of person that I should be as an uncle to my niece.  I love her with everything in me... and because I love her so much and want her to have positive adults around her, I am willing to allow God to change me even more deeply, even if it means I have to give up a lot of things that I still really enjoy (mostly the relationships I have with unsaved people).  Well the close this out I will refer back to my quote.  Right now I am going through a time where I am not experiencing the Joy of the Lord like I have before, and my RA calls it a season of preparation.  Basically he means that there is a time to yield fruit and experience, in a very tangible way, the joy of the Lord, and then there is a season of preparation... during this time I am being grown up to yield fruit... and I experience the Joy of God through persevering.  It kind of sucks, but it makes me excited for my new start at Lee.  I feel like it will mark the start of a new pursuit towards God and towards sucking the marrow out of life.